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[03-05-04 + 11:45am] |
I've moved to another journal - ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) rocknrolltrash.
If you have not been added and would like to be, comment there and I'll add you again. Some of you just don't seem like you're interested in my life anymore.
Similarly, if I've added you and you wish to be removed, comment and I will do my best.
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[03-04-04 + 10:35am] |
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mood |
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 melancholy |
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music |
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Reverend Horton Heat |
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I'm fine, in case anyone cares. I know a certain someone probably doesn't care half as much as they used to. And that's fine. I see what kind of person you are now. Everything I gave you, you pushed away. So, I'm not going to put much effort into it right now. When you come around again, I will be more than glad to get things back to the way they used to be. I'm hurting right now and I just don't think that you care anymore. Please prove me wrong because it hurts to think that way about you.
So I'm slowly transitioning back into the whole local punk scene. I don't know why. I guess it just seems like I should have never left. When I was at shows and parties I felt good and I didn't have a fucking care in the world. I need to start re-building my support network since 2 major parts have collapsed in the past 2 grueling weeks. New friends are always good. Especially when the ones you have turn out to be something else.
Lesson(s): people aren't always what they seem and they rarely change.
Oh, and I did this A-Z survey thing that I stole from idontfitin. ( read survey )
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[03-03-04 + 11:22am] |
I don't feel like making an elaborate post about the blanket of sadness that has settled onto my brain.
You're hurting me by being hurt. Stop this, please. We said everything would be okay. Why are we not following through?
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[02-25-04 + 11:59am] |
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mood |
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 happy |
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music |
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Coldplay |
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Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
And I come here to talk
I hope you understand
That green eyes
Yeah the spotlight shines upon you
And how could anybody deny you
I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Now I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Honey you are the sea
Upon which I float
And I came here to talk
I think you should know
That green eyes
You’re the one that I wanted to find
And anyone who tried to deny you
Must be out of their mind
Because I came here with a load
And it feels so much lighter
Since I met you
And honey you should know
That I could never go on without you
Green eyes
Green eyes
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Ooh ooh ooh ooh
Honey you are a rock
Upon which I stand
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[02-24-04 + 12:13pm] |
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mood |
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 pensive |
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Gah. Just got back from running an errand for Mr. Rider in the StarTech building. Get this - I walk in, go upstairs and who do I run into? Jerry. Wonderful. Only not. We didn't say anything to each other, just walked past awkwardly. Seeing him again only made it more clear to me why I don't want to and can't be around him. He's an unhappy person and, as Andrea likes to say, is toxic to my life. Goodbye Jerry.
Now I have this horrible, tight feeling in my chest... stress I think. I should be okay in a few minutes. It was just a shock to run into the person I least wanted to see.
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[02-24-04 + 11:52am] |
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So apparently I'm a big kid now that I have my learner's permit. Golly gee, can't wait to be an adult and get my license. Passed with flying colors; missed only 2 questions and I hardly studied. Easy stuff and hey, now it's legal for me to be behind the wheel (with a big, bad adult present of course).
He makes me feel like I'm the best thing in his world. I think I'm liking this feeling... and I'm happy that I make someone else happy. Some of you will know who "he" is and others won't. I think its more special if I don't put names, because names don't matter; feelings do. Hopefully all will work out with the Friday/Saturday plan and things will be purely blissful for a while.
So this is what it feels like to be smitten.
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[02-23-04 + 11:07am] |
Your eyes, they send me to eternity.
Your heart may cast me down to Hell.
I'm gone, but lately it's your love that's condemnation enough.
Identify.
Please identify if it's me you want standing by your side.
Identify these tears of mine.
Am I lonely or am I just alive?
I let time decide who and what would stand its test of love.
Your hands were speaking. No?
I felt the movement go.
The ice was breaking, so I wonder why did I identify with you, my love?
To leave me empty and see if I'd survive?
For every questioned hour, for every second devoured,
You let me wonder you into a myth that I misidentify.
Please identify if it's me you want standing by your side.
Identify these tears of mine.
Am I lonely or am I just alive?
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[02-23-04 + 10:46am] |
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So yeah. Jeph rules. That is all.
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[02-19-04 + 10:58am] |
It is really odd being at school today without seeing him. I'm a little sad but deep down I know I made the right choice. It will just be hard to adjust to all this. I'm going from him being there all the time to not at all. I know we probably won't speak to each other for a long time, if ever again. It's probably for the best since I know seeing him would just make it hurt more than it already does.
( Stole a survey from Cassie to get my mind off of things... )
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[02-18-04 + 12:59pm] |
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So he didn't call. He came online. And we ended it. I feel better but I'm still sad. I was with him for more than a year and now its all over. I don't know what else to say really.
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[02-18-04 + 12:38pm] |
Jerry and I are over. I told him and he says he's calling back later, but I don't know what else really needs to be said. I guess I owe him an explanation. It's only fair I suppose. I typed a list of things I want to make sure I mention.
- I didn't want it to end like this.
- Our outlooks on life are so different.
- I want to be happy and need to be around people who are happy too.
- I'm tired of being sad and depressed and its starting to affect my health.
- I think it would be best for both of us if we just went our own ways.
- I just want to be happy again.
- I'm really really really sorry.
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[02-17-04 + 11:44am] |
Roses are #FF0000
Violets are #0000FF
And all of my base
Are belong to you.
:)
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[02-17-04 + 11:43am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 hungry |
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music |
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Madonna |
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I now know what I total freak I am. There's a slight possibility I might have some sort of disorder. Now I can be like the rest of the cool kids on the internet and be like "oh my god, I'm so OCD... oh my god, I'm so ADD... pity me, pity me... I'm cool because I'm saying I have a disorder but I probably don't really." Only not.
So Thursday I'm at work and everything's cool (or so I think). I call Dairy Queen and tell them to make me some chicken tenders because I'm going to come get them in like 5 minutes. I do some more shit at work while I'm waiting to go on break and then I walk to get my chicken. I return safely with my prize and start eating. What do you know, I start feeling sick and thinking about all this negative shit (a lot of it to do with Jerry). So I'm like "okay enough chicken, I think I should just go back to work and stop thinking about this." I go back out and start folding this massive pile of shirts and out of nowhere I start gagging and need to puke. The thoughts just won't go away. So I go in the back and start yakking in the toilet. Hmm... Anxiety attack. Anyway, I puked like 5 more times at work but I didn't go home because there was no one to take my place there. I go home and I'm like "okay you just need some sleep." I get in my bed at 10 and wake up sweating/nervous/freaking out at midnight. Fuck this. So I get up and have a drink of water and think I'll relax and just go back to sleep. Wrong. I don't sleep the rest of the night. Friday morning rolls around eventually and I'm just like you know, fuck school. So I stayed at home and cried and puked all day. I think everyone who has my phone number called and asked me where I was. Anyhow, I feel better now, thanks mostly to my mother who always seems to know what to say to make me feel better. I've been taking some pills that are supposed to even out my moods and I think those have been helping.
Mhmm, true story.
Oh and my grandparents came in from Pennsylvania on Sunday when Jeph and I were chillin (like villains). They brought me chocolate and bologna. No joke. Mmm good food... must eat... soon...
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[02-12-04 + 10:38am] |
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mood |
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 gloomy |
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music |
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Stone Temple Pilots |
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I can't believe I made an idiot of myself and cried at school. This morning I just really felt like Jerry didn't care anymore. This, however, was just me overanalyzing things (as usual). He told me not to think that and said he loved me. This doesn't make me feel any less stupid though. What the hell is my problem anyway?
My grandparents are coming to visit from Pennsylvania. I'm thinking they'll be here on Saturday night or maybe Sunday during the day. We shall see. Jeph is planning to come visit me and that makes me happy. Still planning to go shopping with Jerry on Saturday night if he isn't too freaked out by my random tear-spillage this morning.
Puh. I am so stupid. I hope he isn't upset with me.
Oh yeah, and I changed my livejournal colors/icon.
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[02-11-04 + 11:21am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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music |
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The Velvet Underground |
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I just forged my mom's signature for something at school. I'm such a rebel.
I signed up for early dismissal next year so I can leave and go to work a little earlier everyday. So yeah, I need to get my learner's permit before March so I can be driving by August or I'll end up having to change my schedule.
Jared stopped by for the first time yesterday. I was a little scared because he could have been this nasty, old, stalker-ish guy who preys on girls using the internet. It turns out that he is who he says and that he's a really awesome person. We talked for like an hour or so and then he left because he was afraid that my dad would come home. Apparently he's had bad experiences with girls' parents. It's probably best that he went anyway because I was paranoid about having someone over when I wasn't supposed to. It's always the days that you actually work up the nerve to break the rules that someone comes home early. Go figure.
I hope Jeph visits me this weekend. I will be really, really happy if he does.
Happy 17th to Jerry. :D
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[02-11-04 + 11:15am] |
I'm officially scared. I'm going to O.D. on my birthday when I'm a glam rock super star. (Yeah, read it. December 10. Spooky.)
( Oh, you're a rock n' roll suicide... )
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[02-10-04 + 07:38am] |
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mood |
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 cynical |
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music |
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Nine Inch Nails |
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I talked to Jeph yesterday on the phone for an hour or two. It was really nice to hear his voice again. I miss that kid. Hopefully he'll be up here on Sunday so we can chill. Love you, Jeph.
So anyway, yeah, we're having "smart time" at school right now. Basically what this means is that there aren't any classes for about 45 minutes and you are supposed to go into a classroom and get extra help or tutoring. So what do I do? I go into the computer lab and get on the internet. Uh... yeah I needed extra help with surfing the internet? Oh yeah.
Before all this I was having a perfectly good morning and Jerry and I were chillin outside. I was talking about how I didn't know where I was going to go for smart time hoping he would ask me to come with him to the class he was going to. First thing out of his mouth - "why don't you hang out with Traci." I don't think so. So I'm like "no, fuck Traci" and he starts going on about how I get mad at stupid things and how she didn't do anything. The hell she didn't. She did everything. So we have a little fight about it and then he realizes that he isn't going to win and apologizes. I wouldn't even think about Traci if he didn't bring her up in his little idiotic jokes all the time. He tries to tell me I'm dwelling on it, but its him that is doing all the dwelling. He needs to accept that my friendship with Traci is over and that even though I told her we were neutral, we are not. Fact is, I hate her. End of story.
So yeah, I came online and was reading my comments and who left me a message? Mitch! Yay for Mitch. :D
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